(THEME SONG PLAYING)
DIRECTOR: All right, everyone in place.
Here we go.
And action!
Hello. I'm Topanga Lawrence.
Hi, I'm Cory Matthews.
We'll be hosting your hosts
on this historic tour of Pennbrook College.
For over a century, Pennbrook has been a place
where thousands of students come each fall to embark on a journey.
A journey that will take them to a ugiverse
of exciting experimences.
So if Pennbrook is the college of your choice...
Then come on.
Cut! Cut!
You think?
Where've you been? I stink.
I think I said the word "Ugiverse".
Shall we try it one more time?
Maybe take 59 will be the charm.
No, no. I knew way back at take 33 I was sucko.
I quit.
(ALL CHEER)
Whoa! Wait a minute. I don't understand.
Cory and I were picked as the perfect freshman couple
because of our natural chemistry.
Yeah, where'd that go?
Cory, come on, don't leave yet.
I want to hear you butcher the word "Curriculum".
Oh, yeah? If curricum is such an easy world,
then let's hear you say it.
(ENUNCIATING) Curriculum.
Wow.
Do that again.
Curriculum.
Wow. I like it.
Hey, you wouldn't possibly consider, uh...
What a great idea!
Shawn, you could take my place.
Perfect.
Oh, I don't know.
I don't feel comfortable doing this unless Cory is gonna do it.
Cory, I can't be you.
Shawn, listen, I don't want to be responsible for ruining this film.
Listen, you can take my place.
And besides, Topanga will be here.
She'll make you feel comfortable.
I think it's a bad idea.
Oh, when did I ever have a bad idea?
The social life at Pennbrook University
will lead to lifelong friendships,
and who knows? Maybe more. Right, honey?
That's right, snookums.
Why, I remember the first night we met,
right here in the newly remodeled student union,
paid for by a generous donation
of Mrs. Stanley Kandelman, class of '48.
Don't they look great together?
You know, they really do.
I just meant they do. I don't mean they really do.
In fact, many students wind up meeting their lifelong mates here at Pennbrook.
And while that may not be the number-one reason
to attend Pennbrook College...
It sure ranks high on our list.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, that went well.
Okay, let's have a nice kiss.
What? Kiss her.
No, don't!
Come on, more heat. Come on, you're in love.
Less heat! Lesser!
Oh, that's hot. That's very hot.
Cut! Cut!
Cut!
Back away from the girlfriend!
What was that? What?
What "what"? You know what!
You kissed my girlfriend!
He told me to.
If he told you to put a knife through my heart, would you do it?
It depends. Would you be yelling in my ear
through a bullhorn at the time?
I don't like that you kissed my girlfriend.
It didn't mean anything.
Cory, this is silly. Please don't go crazy over this. Please.
Please don't go crazy over this.
Please.
Oh, that's right. Kiss him again, you little...
Oh, you hurt me so bad.
And you!
You best friend- gigolo-home wrecker.
Why don't you take her back to your tornado-infested trailer park?
(SCREAMS)
Topanga!
MAN: Shut up!
You shut up!
No, you shut up!
No, you!
You shut up first! No, you!
No, you! Come on!
You want a piece of me?
I'm not going anywhere! Come on!
(TIMIDLY) Hello.
Mmm. Mmm, that's good.
Ooh, Rachel, another splash of tomato?
Oh, no, no, no. No, thanks, Eric.
I really have to get to class.
Oh, here you go. Let me get this for you.
Oh, Jack, you know you really don't have to do that.
Oh, you kidding? I'm happy to do it.
My first class doesn't start for another hour.
My first class is probably over by now.
Well, you know, can't we just wait
till we get home to do the dishes?
You know, look, you guys,
if you're doing this for my benefit,
it really is not necessary.
For your benefit? Doing this for you?
No. See, we do this for ourselves.
It's called personal pride.
Okay, well, I'm going to go to class now.
Oh, yeah. Here you go.
Put the bag on there. Thanks.
Hey, have a great day.
Thank you.
Make a new friend.
Okay.
All right.
Oh, thanks.
You go for it.
Bye. Bye.
(BURPS) Oh.
Boy, I've been holding that in for three weeks!
She's killing us, man, with this cleaning and consideration.
I'm telling you something, manners blow.
"If you're doing this for my benefit,
"it really isn't necessary," my butt.
Who does she think she is?
We know what women expect.
Yeah, does she think she's the first woman we've ever lived with?
Dude, I lived with my mother for 18 years.
Women thrive on guys being all proper and crap.
Yeah, I'm telling you something,
she don't want to see the real us.
My mother never did.
Yep. Well, mothers can't leave.
Hottie-hot roommates have no such allegiance.
You're right. You're right.
And if we want to keep Rachel here,
we can never, never show our real selves.
I love your mother.
Wait a minute.
Rachel's not here anymore.
(SCOFFS) What are we still doing with our pants on?
After you.
Why, thank you.
(BOTH CRYING)
Tramp, man!
I hear you, brother.
I never saw it coming, Isaac.
You can't blame yourself, little buddy.
The same thing happened to me once.
Topanga!
Fred!
(CRYING)
Shawn? Wake up.
No, clown, no!
You slept on the couch?
Oh, yeah, I had to.
He, um, installed a deadbolt.
Yeah, I know. He's been avoiding me since the incident, too.
What do you think his next move's going to be?
Well, you know him as well as I do.
Yeah, he's probably let it eat at him all night.
Yeah, and by now he's way out of control.
Well, it's probably no surprise to you
that I've had a long, hard night and a lot of time to think.
And I know that the two of you are thinking
that the crazy little man would dwell and stew
and blow all this horribly out of proportion. (CHUCKLES)
But I want you to know that I've worked through it,
I'm fine, and I am a happy, healthy Cory.
And I just want to ask one thing.
What's this?
No, Cory, we were just...
Underpants!
I always sleep like this.
Underpants!
Oh, here we go.
Okay, here's how we're going to handle this.
Now, it's very clear that the two of you
have had a lot of hidden sexual tension for the last 15 years.
No, we haven't.
I am speaking now.
Now, there is one solution to this and one solution only.
(GROWLING)
I want you two to go out on a date.
What are you talking about?
You're going out on a date,
and you're going to explore your feelings.
There are no feelings. There are feelings.
Maybe you don't think there are feelings,
but the tape says there are.
I should know. I watched it 512 times.
Now, when you kissed each other,
you felt something. You both did.
We're not going out on a date.
You're gonna go out on a date,
otherwise it's going to haunt us for the rest of our lives.
Why does everything have to haunt us for the rest of our lives?
Underpants!
Will you go out on a date with me?
Yes.
I knew it!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in.
Hey. Hey.
What are you studying?
White history.
You know, you people contributed quite a bit to this country.
Thanks.
But I got my own problems.
Now, I've kept you in the dark about this
because even though you and Shawn broke up,
I know how much you still care about him.
And you, of course, know how much I care about
that betraying witch of a girl...
Get to the point.
Shawn and Topanga are out on a date.
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
They would never do that.
It's true.
Well, why would they...
Because I made the reservation.
Well, what... And I paid for it.
Why did you...
I ordered the souffle in advance. Why?
Because you have to do that sort of thing, Angela.
Cory, why?
I don't know. Call the restaurant.
Gosh, the love of my life is out with my best friend,
and you want to discuss dessert policy.
Jeez, you're annoying.
Cory, is this still about this kiss?
Wait a minute. She told you about it?
Well, that means it must have meant something to her.
Let me ask you this.
In all the time that you were with Shawn,
did he ever call out the name Topanga?
No, but he called out the name Cory.
In what context?
In the context of how stupid you are.
No, no, no, no. You weren't there, Angela.
You didn't see them kiss each other.
It was a movie!
There was passion.
(CHUCKLES) They were acting. They were pretending.
They weren't pretending. I know when Topanga pretends. I've been there.
Oh, Cory, you have nothing to worry about.
They're going to go out on this date,
spend the evening talking about you
and have a terrible time.
You really think so?
I know so.
(SIGHS) All right. Thanks a lot, Angela.
You're really great to talk to.
TOPANGA: (LAUGHS) You are so funny, Shawn.
SHAWN: Oh, stop.
You moron.
Well, he's not here. Let's go in.
Okay, but we should put a rubber band on the door,
just in case he comes back.
After you.
SHAWN: This is the greatest night I've had in a long time.
I mean, to realize how we feel about each other
after all these years.
TOPANGA: We should thank Cory.
SHAWN: Topanga, I'm not sure we should be doing this.
After all, he's my best friend.
TOPANGA: Hey, he's my fiance and I'm fine with it.
You're right.
We can't fight what we've been fighting for 15 years.
I'm just not strong enough anymore.
I can't just sit here and watch your beautiful skin
and silky hair and perfect face
and long, long legs...
Isn't there anything you want to say about my eyes?
Yes! Yes. The number of eyes on your face...
That's nice.
Nice?
Yes, but enough about your eyes.
How do you like what I'm doing to you right now?
Ooh, Topanga like.
How do you like what I'm doing to you?
(MOOING)
SHAWN: Oh, more! More!
Oh, Shawn!
(ON RECORDING) Oh, Shawn!
(CLANGING)
BOTH: Surprise!
Where'd he go?
Mmm.
Nice spaghetti, Jack.
Thank you, Eric.
Lovely job on the mashed potatoes.
(CHUCKLES)
And where did you get this gravy? Heaven?
You know, funny little story.
I was watching Martha Stewart today,
and I got a lovely tip on how to freshen our potpourri
with cranberries and lilac petals.
Oh, yes, I saw that one. Oh.
How was your day, Rachel?
I had lunch with a friend.
We put our elbows on the table,
and we ate with our fingers.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(BOTH SIGHING)
You guys don't think I know what you're doing?
What are you talking about, doing?
You actually think that I think that you live like this?
You're just treating me differently because I'm a woman.
(SCOFFS) Shows how much you know.
What, you think you're the first woman we've ever lived with?
Hmm. Besides your mothers, yes.
Is that an accurate count, Jack?
I stayed with Nana Boo Boo once.
Now, there's a woman.
I hate this. It's like I have to be on my best behavior.
It's like I'm living with my mother.
Actually, do you have a picture of your mother?
No reason.
You know what? I can't do this. I can't.
You have to be yourselves so I can be myself.
If she's telling the truth, our lives are perfect.
Yeah, well, she's not. She's testing us. Just stick with the plan.
Stop! Stop planning!
Ooh, stop acting like I can't hear you.
We're afraid to be ourselves.
Because we're slobs. There, I said it.
And you're afraid that I can't handle it, right?
Oh, you could never handle it.
Oh, because I'm a woman? Because I'm a woman
you think that you're going to offend me or something.
Well, you know what? I can be just as big a slob as the two of you.
That's insane.
Apparently I've got meatball on my face.
Martha Stewart says
a lovely blend of bleach and turpentine
really clears that up...
(SIGHS)
Stick with the plan.
No matter what happens.
Oh!
Do I have my feet on the table?
You know what? My mother always says,
never put your feet on the table,
unless they're in marinara sauce.
Right away, I don't like the way this is going.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
That's it.
New plan!
(SCREAMING)
You jerk!
No! No! Oh!
Stupid!
Ow! Ow!
RACHEL: I'm gonna murder you!
(RACHEL SCREAMING)
Pie her! Pie her! Pie her.
Pie!
Yeah! Don't treat me special 'cause I'm a woman.
She's right.
I'm not your mother, I'm your roommate.
Yeah! JACK: Yeah!
(SIGHS) Now hit Jack with the pie.
No!
And when I get out of the shower,
I expect this place clean.
BOTH: Yes, Mommy.
Good pie.
What happened?
You know, I don't know, but I think we won.
I heard sounds, Angela. Forbidden sounds.
I think there was a cow in there.
Cory, you're letting your imagination run away with you.
Really? Go ahead.
Tell me there's nothing going on in there.
Go ahead.
There's nothing going on in there.
Oh, no. They're nestling.
I'm opening the door.
No, I don't want to see.
There's no one here.
Of course not. We're talking about Shawn and Topanga.
They don't care about each other
because they care about you.
No, Angela, you are thinking about this too logically.
And this defies logic.
This is raw, hot, unfiltered passion.
And that kiss opened the gates.
There are no gates.
Oh, there's gates.
Cory, don't we know each other a long time?
Yeah.
Well, is there any tension between us?
Well, there was that one time
that you didn't get me a gift for my birthday.
I mean, I didn't say anything, but, ooh.
Not that kind of tension.
Oh, you mean...
I mean, have you ever thought of me in a way other than just a friend?
Never!
Tell the truth. One time.
Really?
Yeah, but it wasn't my fault.
See, I had a dream, and you were in it.
Was it a good dream?
Yes.
Was it real? No.
Neither was the kiss.
Yeah, but they... It happened.
And they felt something.
How do you know?
Because you can't do something like that
without feeling anything.
Even if they're just friends?
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, no. It's the dream.
Wow!
What?
Nothing.
No, tell me.
No, I mean, I felt nothing.
I mean, it felt good and everything, but not...
Like you and Topanga?
Yeah. Not like me and Topanga.
Yeah. Well, that's because you love Topanga, Cory,
and when you're with her you feel something for her.
And that's why it doesn't matter that she kissed Shawn,
because she only feels something for you.
So even a kiss like you and I just had
is just a kiss between friends...
Because you don't love me.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Well, it's okay, I've been getting a lot of that lately.
Well, you don't deserve it.
You know you're a great person.
Thanks for talking me down.
Come here.
(SIGHS)
Hey! What?
What about when I walked in
and Shawn was in his underpants?
Cory, if you're going to spend the rest of your life with Topanga,
don't you think you should trust her more?
Oh, nobody would trust anybody they caught
in such a compromising position.
There you are. We've been looking all over for you.
I can explain.
Shawn, I found him. He's in bed with Angela.
Oh, they're so cute.
(ALL SCREAM)
Make fools out of us, will she?
Wants us to behave like ourselves, does she?
We're gonna smoke her when she gets out of that shower.
Yeah! Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!
(SIGHS)
She's been in there an awful long time, hasn't she?
Yeah. Well, you know women. They like to loofah.
Takes longer?
Oh, yeah. But think about it.
The cleaner she is, the better it's gonna be.
Whoo! Yeah!
She's been in there an awfully long time.
Well, yeah, but she's got to come out here sometime, doesn't she?
And when she does, we will be ready.
Are we going to be here? Oh, yeah!
I think we are. I think we are! Yeah. Yes!
Wait here a hundred years if we have to.
Yeah.
RACHEL: I'll be out in a minute.